Question (I’ve removed all details and changed some things to protect the identity of the person who submitted this):
I understand what you are saying about there being two biblical reasons for a divorce but let me share something with you. My husband and I have been together for a while, and for much of that time I’ve been a victim of his anger, including physical violence.
I have stayed and tried to lead him to Christ and be an encouragement. I have stood by him repeatedly but each episode has gotten worse ! I have been choked and punched repeatedly in the head while I was holding our infant and our tween-age daughter was home . I protected my children even though there has been some unexplained marks on them.
Do you really believe I am suppossed to stay with him? That I haven’t done all I should already ? That this is what God wants for me and my children ? What if next time something horrible happens to one of my children? Wouldn’t I be guilty of not protecting them ? Please answer this I would really like to hear what you think.
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It is a common misunderstanding that being UNCOMPROMISING about Scripture also means a lack of compassion, legalism and a “tough luck” attitude towards those in difficult situations. No doubt this dear Sister, after reading my “only two reasons for divorce for Christians” (which I stand by and are absolutely true) expected me to answer with “well sorry about that, too bad for you… I guess you just have a tough life.”
That couldn’t be farther from the truth. I believe in the unerring commitment to the literal Scripture. I believe in compassion. I believe in mercy. I believe God wants us to live by the SPIRIT of His Word and not use it as a legalistic taskmaster. I believe that God is merciful. He is also Just. He is patient and forgiving… but that doesn’t mean He isn’t serious about His commands.
When it comes to OTHER PEOPLE, and their life, their situation, their suffering, my duty is to present what I am fully convinced is God’s Word, lean heavily on compassion and in the end, truly realize that their choices are between them and God. Not me.
So when I present a lesson on something like “divorce and remarriage” and don’t cover every possible situation, then my uncompromising attitude about Scripture would lead some people to think that equates to a lack of mercy, understanding and compassion. May it NEVER be!
My Answer
No sister, I would NOT tell you to stay with him… and I’m VERY sorry to hear that you are enduring that.
The Bible gives two specific reasons for divorce: adultery and abandonment… in your case, you should IMMEDIATELY seek a legal separation to protect yourself and your child. Then, from a distance, you can seek reconciliation making clear requirements of what your husband must do (and for how long) before you will consider ending the separation.
At that point he will either:
1) change. Let’s pray for that.
2) say “the heck with this” and leave the marriage. Or,
3) say “I’ll try” but then not really make any changes.
The 2nd and 3rd choices mark a clear permanent abandonment of the marriage. He has already committed a pretty obvious abandonment by getting it to this point. I’m amazed that some Christians would say “walking away from a marriage is abandonment, but beating the stew out your wife and choosing to stay in the marriage so she can do your laundry is NOT abandonment of the marriage”.
God knows what true abandonment is, and it can have many different appearances. It is up to Shepherds and spiritually mature Christians to help those in difficult situations discern these things.
You Can’t Play Fast and Loose With Scripture
We must be careful not to be TOO LOOSE with the definition of “abandonment” because it can be easily stretched beyond credibility, but in this case, as described, no spiritually discerning Christian (in my opinion) would say “tough luck”. Your husband has abandoned your marriage in a much worse and much more destructive way than simply walking away.
I advise you to take the children out of that situation NOW, and take IMMEDIATE steps for legal separation. You need to make sure it’s a done properly and is the LEGAL version. If not, the law still considers you “with him” and you lose MUCH of your legal ability to protect yourself both physically and financially.
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A final thought… God gives us standards and direction. He is a God of relationships. He expects us to keep the SPIRIT of the law. Just as Jesus said the “Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath” (Mark 2:27), God’s commandments on marriage are made for us to experience the BEST of marriage. They are not legalistic rules devoid of compassion or understanding. They are the basis upon which we are to firmly ground ourselves in God’s desire for marriage and commitment.
God knows the heart of each person. He knows if YOU hate divorce like He does (Mal 2:6). He knows if YOU only came to divorce as a true last resort. He knows when YOU have been abandoned. He knows when YOU have been the victim of adultery whether it was a physical act or an unwillingness to give up a life of pornography.
You Answer to God
Each of us only have to answer to God. We should study the Bible daily to know what God says. We should seek to live our lives to what we have learned to the very best of our ability. We should make decisions with conviction and a clear conscience.
I have no problem, much to the chagrin of many of my Christian brethren, agreeing that a woman who is repeatedly brutalized by her husband after several opportunities to stop, has indeed been “abandoned” in the marriage. While I never want to play fast and loose with Scripture, I also embrace God’s admonition:
Jas 2:13: For judgment is without mercy to the one who has shown no mercy. Mercy triumphs over judgment. (NKJV)
1 Pe 4:8: And above all things have fervent love for one another, for “love will cover a multitude of sins.” (NKJV)
Love covers a multitude of sins. Compassion trumps legalism.
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Update: this dear sister wrote me and explained further that many chances to change the behavior have been granted as well as several opportunities for reconciliation. The last violent episode was finally met with a “last chance” ultimatum which was ignored. She told met that she has a clear conscience she has done everything possible to reconcile and feels free to seek a divorce on the grounds of abandonment.
I would agree based on what has been describe to me.
Thoughts? I know some of you will disagree… please leave a comment and tell us why. We are all interested in the Truth and I don’t claim to have a monopoly on it.
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I would be very grateful if you
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{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
Thank you for your input, Brent. People in my church shunned me for getting a divorce, even though HE was the one who had an anger problem, lied constantly, committed adultery (and had a kid), drained the bank account, and left me to die (I was seriously ill and needing surgery at the time). My attorney even told the judge that I had been abandoned, and the judge gave me whatever I wanted in my judgment. Yet those people from church don’t speak to me to this day. Sad. I’m glad that there are Christians out there who are open minded enough to see and accept the obvious…that someone should not accept living in terrible circumstances, and that God doesn’t expect us to.
Brent, you have given wise advice. However…I’m thinking that
a “LONG TERM SEPARATION” (months? or even years?), which would include a RESTRAINING ORDER, would be more honoring to the Lord than a trip to a Divorce Attorney. (Thereby, giving more opportunity for God to work in her husband’s heart and life.) Until both are done, (and possibly Christian counseling) I don’t believe He would approve of a divorce. Divorce hurts people. A “family” is forever broken. (Not merely a “marriage.”) Generally, people are in too much of a hurry to divorce when a long separation, time spent in the Word and fasting and prayer, is what is needed.
Generally speaking, I would agree and give the same advice. I always encourage people try again, try harder, try one more time.
In this particular case, private discussion with this person revealed years of effort and patience, years of broken promises, escalating violence and final ultimatum (chances) that were ignored again.
End the end, she has to make that decision herself, between her and God, but given what I was told, this dear sister had taken a beating (NO PUN INTENDED) trying to keep the marriage together and avoid divorce.
Brent, I could not agree with you more in your response to the wife whose husband was physically abusive. As a divorce attorney for almost 25 years and a Christian, I had no difficulty in telling people that it was time to take action to protect yourself and, when applicable, the children. A husband (or wife) who would physically abuse the other or their children must be dealt with immediately. To suggest that a wife should stay in such a relationship is effectively sentencing her to death–yes, many spouses kill their mates. The Bible makes it quite clear that the law is authorized by God and is a punishment to evil-doers. Chrisitans do not have to be abused in the name of “forgiveness,” “tolerance,” or any such thing. Get to the police and then an attorney, praying all the while that God gives you wisdom and your spouse a change of heart.
As for churches who treat divorcees differently than other members, get out of that church quickly. Those people are not practicing Christianity and I, for one, suspect that there are not too many Christians in that group of people anyway. Do not allow yourself to suffer abuse at the hands of “good Christian people,” either.
You have opened my heart with this post. I was one of the legalist you spoke of. We truly do serve a Merciful and Loving God, He doesn’t want us to go through that sort of punishment so that doctrine can be kept. I believe that marriage is truly sacred, but abuse of that (or any) magnitude is not acceptable. Good advise and thank you for shining a light into my heart as well.
I agree that this woman had to do what she had to do and after years of trying. God hates divorce but this man “abandoned” his wife and their wedding vows when he first started beating her. He did not show repentence. I work with a ministry that deals with people in these situations and often only the harshest of consequences can make people in his state ever turn around. Unfortunately, many people have to lose everything before they repent and turn to the Lord. I’ve heard many testimonies of people like this who said it wasn’t until after everything was permanent (as in divorce) that they woke up to their sin and the harm it caused them and their loved-ones. It was the ultimate consequences to their actions. The wonderful thing is that this is not the end of many stories. Nothing is broken beyond repair with God. Many of these people, repented, changed their lives, began a genuine walk with Christ and in some cases were able to reconcile with their spouses.