Question (I’ve removed all details and changed some things to protect the identity of the person who submitted this):
I understand what you are saying about there being two biblical reasons for a divorce but let me share something with you. My husband and I have been together for a while, and for much of that time I’ve been a victim of his anger, including physical violence.
I have stayed and tried to lead him to Christ and be an encouragement. I have stood by him repeatedly but each episode has gotten worse ! I have been choked and punched repeatedly in the head while I was holding our infant and our tween-age daughter was home . I protected my children even though there has been some unexplained marks on them.
Do you really believe I am suppossed to stay with him? That I haven’t done all I should already ? That this is what God wants for me and my children ? What if next time something horrible happens to one of my children? Wouldn’t I be guilty of not protecting them ? Please answer this I would really like to hear what you think.
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It is a common misunderstanding that being UNCOMPROMISING about Scripture also means a lack of compassion, legalism and a “tough luck” attitude towards those in difficult situations. No doubt this dear Sister, after reading my “only two reasons for divorce for Christians” (which I stand by and are absolutely true) expected me to answer with “well sorry about that, too bad for you… I guess you just have a tough life.”
That couldn’t be farther from the truth. I believe in the unerring commitment to the literal Scripture. I believe in compassion. I believe in mercy. I believe God wants us to live by the SPIRIT of His Word and not use it as a legalistic taskmaster. I believe that God is merciful. He is also Just. He is patient and forgiving… but that doesn’t mean He isn’t serious about His commands.
When it comes to OTHER PEOPLE, and their life, their situation, their suffering, my duty is to present what I am fully convinced is God’s Word, lean heavily on compassion and in the end, truly realize that their choices are between them and God. Not me.
So when I present a lesson on something like “divorce and remarriage” and don’t cover every possible situation, then my uncompromising attitude about Scripture would lead some people to think that equates to a lack of mercy, understanding and compassion. May it NEVER be!
My Answer
No sister, I would NOT tell you to stay with him… and I’m VERY sorry to hear that you are enduring that.
The Bible gives two specific reasons for divorce: adultery and abandonment… in your case, you should IMMEDIATELY seek a legal separation to protect yourself and your child. Then, from a distance, you can seek reconciliation making clear requirements of what your husband must do (and for how long) before you will consider ending the separation.
At that point he will either:
1) change. Let’s pray for that.
2) say “the heck with this” and leave the marriage. Or,
3) say “I’ll try” but then not really make any changes.
The 2nd and 3rd choices mark a clear permanent abandonment of the marriage. He has already committed a pretty obvious abandonment by getting it to this point. I’m amazed that some Christians would say “walking away from a marriage is abandonment, but beating the stew out your wife and choosing to stay in the marriage so she can do your laundry is NOT abandonment of the marriage”.
God knows what true abandonment is, and it can have many different appearances. It is up to Shepherds and spiritually mature Christians to help those in difficult situations discern these things.
You Can’t Play Fast and Loose With Scripture
We must be careful not to be TOO LOOSE with the definition of “abandonment” because it can be easily stretched beyond credibility, but in this case, as described, no spiritually discerning Christian (in my opinion) would say “tough luck”. Your husband has abandoned your marriage in a much worse and much more destructive way than simply walking away.
I advise you to take the children out of that situation NOW, and take IMMEDIATE steps for legal separation. You need to make sure it’s a done properly and is the LEGAL version. If not, the law still considers you “with him” and you lose MUCH of your legal ability to protect yourself both physically and financially.
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A final thought… God gives us standards and direction. He is a God of relationships. He expects us to keep the SPIRIT of the law. Just as Jesus said the “Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath” (Mark 2:27), God’s commandments on marriage are made for us to experience the BEST of marriage. They are not legalistic rules devoid of compassion or understanding. They are the basis upon which we are to firmly ground ourselves in God’s desire for marriage and commitment.
God knows the heart of each person. He knows if YOU hate divorce like He does (Mal 2:6). He knows if YOU only came to divorce as a true last resort. He knows when YOU have been abandoned. He knows when YOU have been the victim of adultery whether it was a physical act or an unwillingness to give up a life of pornography.
You Answer to God
Each of us only have to answer to God. We should study the Bible daily to know what God says. We should seek to live our lives to what we have learned to the very best of our ability. We should make decisions with conviction and a clear conscience.
I have no problem, much to the chagrin of many of my Christian brethren, agreeing that a woman who is repeatedly brutalized by her husband after several opportunities to stop, has indeed been “abandoned” in the marriage. While I never want to play fast and loose with Scripture, I also embrace God’s admonition:
Jas 2:13: For judgment is without mercy to the one who has shown no mercy. Mercy triumphs over judgment. (NKJV)
1 Pe 4:8: And above all things have fervent love for one another, for “love will cover a multitude of sins.” (NKJV)
Love covers a multitude of sins. Compassion trumps legalism.
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Update: this dear sister wrote me and explained further that many chances to change the behavior have been granted as well as several opportunities for reconciliation. The last violent episode was finally met with a “last chance” ultimatum which was ignored. She told met that she has a clear conscience she has done everything possible to reconcile and feels free to seek a divorce on the grounds of abandonment.
I would agree based on what has been describe to me.
Thoughts? I know some of you will disagree… please leave a comment and tell us why. We are all interested in the Truth and I don’t claim to have a monopoly on it.
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at 3:41 pm
Thank you for your input, Brent. People in my church shunned me for getting a divorce, even though HE was the one who had an anger problem, lied constantly, committed adultery (and had a kid), drained the bank account, and left me to die (I was seriously ill and needing surgery at the time). My attorney even told the judge that I had been abandoned, and the judge gave me whatever I wanted in my judgment. Yet those people from church don’t speak to me to this day. Sad. I’m glad that there are Christians out there who are open minded enough to see and accept the obvious…that someone should not accept living in terrible circumstances, and that God doesn’t expect us to.
at 7:28 pm
Brent, you have given wise advice. However…I’m thinking that
a “LONG TERM SEPARATION” (months? or even years?), which would include a RESTRAINING ORDER, would be more honoring to the Lord than a trip to a Divorce Attorney. (Thereby, giving more opportunity for God to work in her husband’s heart and life.) Until both are done, (and possibly Christian counseling) I don’t believe He would approve of a divorce. Divorce hurts people. A “family” is forever broken. (Not merely a “marriage.”) Generally, people are in too much of a hurry to divorce when a long separation, time spent in the Word and fasting and prayer, is what is needed.
at 9:09 pm
Generally speaking, I would agree and give the same advice. I always encourage people try again, try harder, try one more time.
In this particular case, private discussion with this person revealed years of effort and patience, years of broken promises, escalating violence and final ultimatum (chances) that were ignored again.
End the end, she has to make that decision herself, between her and God, but given what I was told, this dear sister had taken a beating (NO PUN INTENDED) trying to keep the marriage together and avoid divorce.
at 11:52 am
Brent, I could not agree with you more in your response to the wife whose husband was physically abusive. As a divorce attorney for almost 25 years and a Christian, I had no difficulty in telling people that it was time to take action to protect yourself and, when applicable, the children. A husband (or wife) who would physically abuse the other or their children must be dealt with immediately. To suggest that a wife should stay in such a relationship is effectively sentencing her to death–yes, many spouses kill their mates. The Bible makes it quite clear that the law is authorized by God and is a punishment to evil-doers. Chrisitans do not have to be abused in the name of “forgiveness,” “tolerance,” or any such thing. Get to the police and then an attorney, praying all the while that God gives you wisdom and your spouse a change of heart.
As for churches who treat divorcees differently than other members, get out of that church quickly. Those people are not practicing Christianity and I, for one, suspect that there are not too many Christians in that group of people anyway. Do not allow yourself to suffer abuse at the hands of “good Christian people,” either.
at 6:07 am
You have opened my heart with this post. I was one of the legalist you spoke of. We truly do serve a Merciful and Loving God, He doesn’t want us to go through that sort of punishment so that doctrine can be kept. I believe that marriage is truly sacred, but abuse of that (or any) magnitude is not acceptable. Good advise and thank you for shining a light into my heart as well.
at 6:08 pm
I agree that this woman had to do what she had to do and after years of trying. God hates divorce but this man “abandoned” his wife and their wedding vows when he first started beating her. He did not show repentence. I work with a ministry that deals with people in these situations and often only the harshest of consequences can make people in his state ever turn around. Unfortunately, many people have to lose everything before they repent and turn to the Lord. I’ve heard many testimonies of people like this who said it wasn’t until after everything was permanent (as in divorce) that they woke up to their sin and the harm it caused them and their loved-ones. It was the ultimate consequences to their actions. The wonderful thing is that this is not the end of many stories. Nothing is broken beyond repair with God. Many of these people, repented, changed their lives, began a genuine walk with Christ and in some cases were able to reconcile with their spouses.
at 3:15 pm
I thank God for understanding christians,but I pray for the ones who stop speaking to the lady,for divorcing her husband. God said for whoever the Son set free is free indeed.That type of behavior of a husband is bondage.God do not want us in nothing that is controling us. There is freedom in God, and He said by love and kindness have I draw you. Not abuse and bondage.But keep in mind the husband needs our prayers.
at 3:52 pm
When my fiancée is angry, she hits me in the face while I’m driving on the expressway at 60 mph. She gets mad when I try to help family members through difficult times but money isn’t scarce (i make over 125k). She does not work (no job) but plays video games (World of Warcraft all hours of the day) or is on her Facebook (iPhone) and accuses me of causing her to be angry all the time.
If I go for a walk/run with an old friend, she gets angry. I’m not able to speak to family members or friends (of course I can) but then I’ll have to hear it from her for the next few days. She’ll always make it seem like it somehow takes away from her, even though it doesn’t in any way shape or form.
I try to be patient and reasonable and it’s always backfired. During an argument, when she clearly isn’t calming down after I apologize and try to be nice/loving, I take her home and on the way she screams the entire ride home asking me why I’m such a jerk (although I did nothing wrong; I have tried to empathize and be patient). I even give her 3 options at the end of the night. Either we can a) calm down and actually talk about it without screaming or hitting. b) we can each go home (separately) and cool off before resuming our efforts to resolve the issue or c) we can stay angry and scream and end the night on a bad not which will get us no where.
She ALWAYS goes with the worst possible scenario.
I need her to respect me (otherwise, I can’t talk to her) and she knows this but when she’s mad, she goes into a rage. Since being with her, I have slowly grown apart from friends, have been less active bc anything I want to do, she refuses.
I’ve come to know Christ again about 10 months ago and it’s been an uphill battle with her. I have stayed with her because of the fear that God would disapprove of me parting ways bc we have already slept with each other.
I do not want to fornicate anymore and I’ve made every effort to stop but when I’m doing well, she will accuse me of getting off from something else (which I haven’t been) and then if we kiss harmlessly, she will check to see if I’m turned on and if not she will get extremely angry even though she knows I’m trying to keep myself grounded. Then I end up sleeping with her to prove that I haven’t done anything and it’s really frustrating because it hinders my faith and walk with God.
Sometimes I fantasize on what it would be like if she were more mature. Maybe if she worked and had her own thing going on which would give me time to continue pursuing my passions and maintaining friendships and helping people which I enjoy but she makes out to be wrong. I purchased a 12,000 ring for our engagement because she got angry with me when I told her I was planning to spend 6,000. She scoffed and told me that her sister got an 18,000 ring. That ring put me into debt for almost a year and I was in the middle of trying to pay off my car (which thankfully, I paid off a few days ago).
I hate eating out, but she always refuses to eat anything at home, so we go out all the time. I enjoy eating out, but lately, my heart has been in pain and so I want to eat at home and workout, but she doesn’t participate. She would rather play her game.
I work very hard and try to provide, protect and I want to start a family and to be at peace with my future wife with love and respect in Christ. I worry that I will fail in whatever it is I’m supposed to be doing in life (if she continues to be this way).
I mean, will she hit me in front of the kids? Will she hit me while I’m driving with kids in the back seat?
I used to enjoy writing songs (have won many contests with large cash prizes) but she hates that I have written songs in the past about my ex and therefore, I’m no longer allowed to release songs to the public bc anyone can search and find my old songs.
My dad and mother both have tried to convince me to leave her and it’s difficult, especially when I consider how wrong it would be for me to just leave.
Don’t mind me, just venting from my frustrations.
at 6:06 pm
John,
I would give you some advice and help you if you would email me privately. I’m here if you want to talk to me directly… Brent
brent@brentriggs.com
at 11:40 pm
I have been searching reading the Bible as a faithful Christian as for an answer to divorce from an abusive. The overall concern whether the Lord would forgive me for not having faith in the Lord to make my husband who is also a faithful Christian change his physical and emotional abuse. This is the best answer I have ever heard on the situation that can be given. That being it is a third party person who is not involved emotionally to the couple who endure this behavior in a relationship. The Lord wants us to be loved and live happy and to only fear him. Our husbands are to love us as they love our God and his church. So thank you for this and I’m glad God used this post to save my life…amen!
at 9:52 am
Its quite disguiting how some “Christian” counseling session counsel. My husband was dianosed as bi-polor and on various prescription drugs. Zoloft was one. The counselor told me to “cut him some slack–I was controlling–and a “beer or two wouldn’t hurt. The doctor specifically told him not to drink alcohol. Anyway, the abusive behavior continued, called me horrible names, lusting after every women and back to pornography. Finally, one morning he said he was going to get a knife and cut himself and call the police to tell him I tried to kill him. My mother heard this-(I was talking to her on the phone) and she called 911. The next day I got a restraining order for two years. I wanted him to change–but I also needed him to change for 8 yrs and he never did. He went and spoke with my pastor, left me a couple of messages about turning his life around–how he has been unfaithful and still in this pattern. LET ME TELL YOU, I loved him and married him thinking I could help him change…GIRLS GIRLS–HE MUST WANT TO CHANGE AND WANT TO CHANGE HIS LIFESTYLE–YOU CANNOT. I gave it my all-attended all sorts of counseling and most of the pastors turned it around and said to have compassion. Violence without repentance is something that no one deserves for life. I FINALLY ACCEPTED THE FACT THAT HE’S BEEN GONE (moved away to NY) FOR 1 year–no repentance or concern for me. THE LORD INSTRUCTS A HUSBAND TO BE A PROTECTOR!! Hopefully churches can get domestic violence training to recognize this behavior instead of blaming the person who is on the end of the violence!!!
at 11:59 pm
I was in a very abusive relationship when i was 19. I stayed because i thought God would be upset if i didn’t. We were just dating but i wanted to take it as serious marriage because i didnt want god to think i was just going to date and date again, i wanted to show him i had a serious heart about it. The first thing that went wrong was physical violence. then came repentance, swearing to change and after about 7 months of beating, choking and a multitude of other acts i told him i was leaving and didn’t care if he killed me. He didn’t kill me but he did rape me. I wish i was left dead after that because now i’m left feeling damaged and suicidal every couple of months.
i was young and naive – but it has left some terrible scars. I wish i knew God wouldnt want me to stick around.
My dad’s an alcoholic and has recently started hitting mum, he shows no remorse but she stays because she’s convinced that God wants her to. I feel his alcoholic behaviour all these years led to me accepting a different standard of treatment for myself when it came to men.
it’s not fair. People should stop spreading the “they should have separated for longer and tried to work it out”. It’s extremely hard to trust once you’ve been beaten and even if you do – you always live with that fear he will revert and beat you again. After countless false promises how are you to ever believe when it’s real change? And abusers are the masters of deception, knowing when to play every guilt, manipulation, religion card against you.
Unless you want your children to be seriously stuffed up, like i am – and really i’ve turned to all sorts of terrible behaviours since, i think it’s unfair that these other people who never have had to deal with such issues sit there and judge as to “oh but they should have worked at it ONE more time.. and should have separated and tried a bit LONGER.” you’re effectively saying, give that man one more chance so that instead of stopping at choking her, next time he can rape her and make her wish she was never brought into this world.
cant wait to die. would never bring a child into this world. i want to find a man who loves but dont know how to and dont know how to trust. I attempted suicide a couple of years ago and fell away from God thinking that’s what he wanted women to be treated like. i’m only happy i’m alive to read this post so i know what God wants – still want death more than life though.