I agreed with my girlfried, to whom I’m now engaged, to get an abortion in last March. I knew this was wrong from the start. I can’t change it now. I have given this to God but it’s hard for her some days. What do I say or do to continue the healing process? I am now serving on the worship team and as youth minister. She doesn’t want me to tell the Pastor or I would have along time ago. Where do I go now?
Wow, this is not going to be a pleasant answer, and I’m not sure how I can sugarcoat it and do it justice.
First let me list everything, in my opinion, that is currently WRONG with this situation and needs to be addressed immediately. Remember, you’re asking my advice, and that’s all it is – my advice.
- Unless I’m missing something it would seem engagement at this point, having not dealt with the past, is fraught with dangers
- If you haven’t dealt with the abortion, have you dealt with the fornication, either then, or now?
- When a baby has been conceived in sin, and then murdered, how can you expect to have ANY good days, much less a few hard ones? (until it is all truly dealt with before God)
- With this secret and RECENT past, why are you in ministry?
- Are you currently fornicating?
- Do you think your shepherds and church leaders have any right to know of a recent history of fornication and abortion?
- Is your concern healing or hiding? How about your fiancee?
In my opinion, based on the limited knowledge I have from your question, I would offer this advice, in love, with compassion, but not sugar-coating:
- Tell your Pastor and church shepherds/Elders and immediately begin a process of disclosing the sin, and arranging accountability for your relationship and life
- End your engagement; once you have both dealt with the past, the sin and the spiritual flaws that led to this point, only then will you be even remotely at a point to consider engagement
- You both need to expose and deal with the character flaws and sin that led to the fornication in the first place, especially if it is still occurring (and saying, “well, we’ve already had sex, so what’s the difference?” just exposes even more character issues that need to be addressed)
- You need to expose and deal with the spiritual deficit that led to your mutual agreement to murder an unborn child
- You need to immediately step away from public ministry as you have very troubling and considerable spiritual issues you need to deal with first before taking on the responsibility of leading, teaching and being an example to others
The “healing process” is, generally speaking, a fancy term today for saying “how do I make myself feel better?” That’s the wrong approach. Healing will come with disclosure, repentance and authentic contrition. Healing will come when you do the right thing. Healing will come when you fully face the spiritual deficits that have brought you to this point.
However, neither of you, this side of Heaven, will fully “heal” (ie. feel better, not be bothered by, not have to think about, not remember, etc.) after something like this. There are some things in life, so serious, so tragic and so life changing, that they become a part of our life forever. You have experienced some of those things.
You don’t need to pray and wish for “easy days” or to get over it, but rather pray that this event will drive you to the foot of the cross where forgiveness, mercy and grace can be found. God will bring “easy days” in His timing.
Will God forgive you? Yes. Has He? If you’ve asked in faith as a true Believer, yes. However, there are a LOT of red flags and warning signals blaring when you mention that she wants to keep it secret, and a few weeks after the event you are leading in ministry. BIG ALARMS GOING OFF….
There is life in Christ after the very worse sin, no doubt. That is our only true hope to survive this sin-cursed life.
It is my emphatic advice, that you BOTH do this immediately:
- Seek help from your spiritual leadership
- Fully disclose everything that has happened
- Ask each other for forgiveness; ask God for forgiveness; ask any of your Brethren who you confess this to for forgiveness (because your actions have shamed our mutual faith)
- Ask your spiritual leaders for accountability and spiritual evaluation of your life
- Postpone or end your engagement for a considerable period of time and devote yourself to spiritual growth and maturing
- IMMEDIATELY stop all sexual physical contact if it is occuring
- Immediately disclose all of this to the leadership who is shepherding your church so that they may make an informed decision about your ministry involvement
Tough words, I know, but written in love and concern for your ETERNAL and LONG TERM welfare. Not easy, not fun right now… but the right thing to do to get your life on track for the long haul.
Here are verses of comfort and promise to help you through this tough time:
Lamentations 3:22-24 Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed, Because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “Therefore I hope in Him!” (NKJV)
2 Corinthians 1:3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, (NKJV)
Numbers 14:18 ‘The Lord is longsuffering and abundant in mercy, forgiving iniquity and transgression; but He by no means clears the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and fourth generation.’ (NKJV)
1 John 2:1-2 My little children, these things I write to you, so that you may not sin. And if anyone sins, we have an Advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous. And He Himself is the propitiation for our sins, and not for ours only but also for the whole world. (NKJV)
1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. (NKJV)
Romans 15:5 Now may the God of patience and comfort grant you to be like-minded toward one another, according to Christ Jesus, (NKJV)
Leviticus 5:5 ‘And it shall be, when he is guilty in any of these matters, that he shall confess that he has sinned in that thing; (NKJV)
Hosea 5:15 I will return again to My place Till they acknowledge their offense. Then they will seek My face; In their affliction they will earnestly seek Me.” (NKJV)
Proverbs 28:13 He who covers his sins will not prosper, But whoever confesses and forsakes them will have mercy. (NKJV)
Psalm 32:5 I acknowledged my sin to You, And my iniquity I have not hidden. I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord,” And You forgave the iniquity of my sin. (NKJV)